why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

Your mother is clinging onto her best option, irrespective of the fact that it is crushing you. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. For any occurrence, there are far more variables in play than you alone. But if you decide to take full responsibility for yourself, you can learn to step back from these patterns and make happier and healthier choices. Then we suffer if we cant. (for the past 10 years I've been living 'her' life, with little time for my own She has to get 'into' everything I'm doing ). You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when its a team effort. What quiet "do it himself" activities are suitable and interesting for an older man with vascular dementia? And you don't have to try a bunch of stuff at once if it makes you uncomfortable! People who are highly sensitive, caring individuals naturally want the people in their lives to be happy, to experience wellbeing. Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. Hi Vicki, At first, all you have to do is notice and increase your awareness. She makes me mad. Brrr. You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). You need to work on setting boundaries and when she starts that crap, leave the room and quit taking it. You can call 911 next time she threatens suicide and say she is a danger to herself and potentially others. Your 2.5-year-old wants a particular sippy . Because you wrote MY story! Or look at a situation that caused you to worry or feel anxious for another person. You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. This can be really hard at times, especially if youre a nurturing person or just deeply love the person whos struggling. Your family members are lucky to have you. Anyway, dad passed in 2015 and mom is still alive & living in the same ALF, going downhill faster than a bowling ball on an ice covered mountain. Eventually, I learned this belief is just another fabrication of the mind that has no basis in reality. Eventually, they turn on you and make your life miserable, even cut it short. I can help you compare costs & services for FREE! Please check your inbox and confirm your subscription. Think of ways to drop down your own niceness and to make AL seem more attractive than what you provide. I blog here. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder : ( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. You can speak up for yourself. By using this site, you agree to our privacy policy. I find her work in general very helpful for living peacefully with yourself. This process can lead you to a more aware partnership, which is less reactive and symbiotic and more authentic and differentiated. I felt responsible for my mother's happiness - grieving from loss - QVC It's so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. Could you STOP right now? 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success. Use compassion to tame your inner critic and remind yourself that its okay to have these emotions. See what you gain and what you lose from trusting in such a core belief. We worry about others, and we blame ourselves for their unhappiness. How to stop the misery: When your fantasies threaten to ruin your emotional health, neutralize them by murmuring these words: Just thoughts. Realizing that your fantasies are not realities will help you separate from them, as if standing to one side. People may not be show up the way you want them to, but when you accept them where they are you can let go, forgive and release. I'm stuck, probably for many, many years into the future. I feel all their problems are because of me and I am worthless and cannot ever do anything to repay for what they are doing for me. When you try to fix someone else, you just get in the way of their potential to experience this miracle. The main consequence of such a core belief is that it keeps you reactive in your intimate relationships. Reviewed by Davia Sills. Overdrinking. A great time to do this is when youre feeling anxious and worried about someones mental state. Instead, find a way to hold on to yourself as your loved one is meeting their personal woes. My wife might have been in that. True, in some situations, like in your work life, you may often need to play a role to get by. The above soooo describes me. 2023 HealthyPlace Inc. All Rights Reserved. Oh my, your situation sounds a lot like mine. How do you deal with a narcissistic mother? I do what I can, in addition to taking her to doctors, paying all of her bills, orchestrating all of her care, etc etc etc, but in her mind, I don't spend enough time entertaining her, that's the issue. Its impossible for you to be responsible for everything because of interdependence. Dad is now in memory care and mom leans on me too much for emotional support. My 21-Day Meditation Challenge can help you feel calm, connected and more in touch with your inner voice of wisdom. She hates everybody and has no friends, even though she acts so lovey dovey to everyone's face. :), My anxiety triggered from a bully in authority I don't remember a lot of what he said but I remember saying over and over again to stop mind-messing me and you don't know who I am hours of this went on I have never been the same so much of the past which was locked tightly away the flood gates were open and I don't know how to close the gates I try for help but I'm so mixed up no one seems to know how to help me I am giving up and letting myself fall through the cracks of the system I'm too tired the battle within my brain wins this time. It's always nice to be able to look at a book and start to read it before buying it just in case it isn't for you. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, click here for a short video explaining about core beliefs, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Again, just notice thoughts to become more attuned to them. Yes, I still feel responsible for my ex's happiness. Your responses assure me that it's OK to be happy and leave the dark cloud to hang out in the air alone while I do so. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. You don't have to people-please and experience anxiety in order to care about your family. Best of all, your shift in energy gives you momentum to continue releasing judgment so you can feel complete and free. With love, Sandra. In the last year I have had many an some very serious reasons to worry about an try to help family members. That number felt too high for the reality of their current symbiotic avoidance of pain. Youll feel immediate relief. They themselves have to work at it. When they do, get up and get out. Photo by Luke Pennystan on Unsplash. What do I need to do now? My parents moved me here as a child, we left all family behind on the west coast (we are on the east coast), which I didn't want to do. Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from my heart to help you search more deeply into your own life, make positive changes, and become all that you truly are. When you embrace interdependence, youll be able to live from a place of peace and acceptance. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. Most of us have been taught that we are responsible for our loved ones feelingsthat we need to make sure they're not feeling sad or lonely. You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. We have to trust that no one will change until they want to be changed. He worryingly scanned his wifes face and whispered, Well, actually, 2 out of 10.. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. A like-minded woman who empowers . I asked him how much he really wants to hear her from 1 (not really interested) to 10 (dying to hear her laments). Let's look at an example from both the perspective of a mother who feels her child's happiness is her responsibility and a mother who provides good support for her child's big feelings without the belief that she is responsible for his happiness. How to Overcome Extreme Challenges and Uncover Deep Resilience with Ed Mylett, How to Meditate with a Mantra: A Simple Technique You Can Use Anywhere, How to Meditate: The Easiest Meditation for Beginners, True Abundance: 3 Steps for Attracting the Abundance You Want, How to Be Happier at Work: 3 Tips to Make Your Day Better Now, Focus on the Good Stuff When You Collaborate with Other People on Projects, 5 Tips to Quit Sugar the Spirit Junkie Way, My #1 Exercise Secret: Move in Some Way Every Day, How to Trust in the Healing Path When Youre Recovering from Addiction or Trauma. 3 steps to follow when you want to fix other people's problems When you feel the urge to be the fixer, follow the three steps I outline below. Stop feeling guilty about feeling good | by E.B. Johnson - Medium You can't change them. How to Stop the Misery: Change it and you language to I language. Youll be able to show up for them when theyre ready to show up for themselves. Do you really believe youre in charge and that your worry can change anything? I really need to break this behavior. The only person you can truly change is yourself and how you deal with the abuse they dish out. This is something that has been on my mind lately as Ive seen new readers discover my bookJudgment Detoxand begin to lovingly witness their own judgment and heal it. Feeling responsible for others happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When you don't let yourself become anxious and stressed trying to make sure that everyone is happy but are still kind, you are caring about yourself and about others. P.S. By consistently practicing to accept someone where they are and see them with compassion, you realign with your true love nature. I am hopefully starting a group therapy process soon, but would like to find something to support me along the way. What do you have control over? Give it a try. Realizing that you are helpless in a situation can often be more terrifying than the false but oddly comforting belief that you have control. Oh, now I see what I need to do in the future. Ill look at this as a challenge rather than as a problem. This self-talk will help you develop a growth mindset, to use the phrase of researcher Carol Dweck. Its also an indicator of the way our moods can constantly be swinging up and down as externals change. Science and Behavior Books. Why do I feel responsible for my parent's miserable life? - Female First 4-6 If you have said 'yes' to nearly half you are probably in the process of separating but need to go further. 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. Hi Maria, When you fall prey to the belief that youre responsible for everyone and everything, youre not respecting interdependence and the fluid, ever-changing nature of our world. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. Someone had to make the pipes, didnt they? Then, give your mind another job to do, such as to focus on your breathing or to think about a plan for the day. Have faith in other peoples guidance systems. He offers online individual, couple, and family therapy. Someone made you have to hone in on their feelings early in life, to stay safe..and you were trained to know if you do not make them feel better..you will somehow suffer..or be blamed or feel more pain. How to Attract Love and Stop Comparing Your Relationship Status, Accepting People Where They Are So You Can Be Free, The Fun and Spiritual Way to Release Fear Fast, Be Happier by Taking On the 1 Sneaky Thing That Drains Your Happiness, Are You Over-Spiritualizing? As an adult, I feel responsible for my wife's happiness. I feel stuck, depressed and looking for a break. It's time that we fix a flaw in our mental health model: its denial of personal responsibility. Others arent always happy because thats just the way life is. When someone is selfish, they care about themselves and don't have regard for others (this borders on narcissism, but narcissism involves other traits as well). I have a "Debbie Downer" friend. After illuminating their core belief, he said that hes now ready to really hear his partners pain. @gabbybernstein #spiritjunkie #judgmentdetox, I told her, You cant be responsible for another persons happiness.. He's had the shit end of the stick, lost his mum, dad and brother within a few years, was abused by his sister . Be kind to yourself. How To Cope With Happiness Guilt: Its OK To Feel Happy - Refinery29 Live each day, and each day do something little for yourself. Having a vivid imagination is such a wonderful thingexcept when it isnt. I am working through a CBT workbook on anger and talking to my wife about this. The solution is simple though it might not be easy:Stop blaming yourself, stop blaming others. Everything is constantly evolving and changing in this intricate dance of interconnectedness, relationship, and mutual influence. Get out and spend time with friends and create your own positive environment which will also work to lessen the effects you feel from your mom's criticisms. Modern culture encourages us to think that we are free, independent agents. What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? Remind your partner to hold on to themselves: They do not need to react to what you are sharing. Any suggestions? No one has the right to emotionally abuse you. Smoking. Heal trauma, unlearn fear and remember love. Only your mom can make herself happy. But being uncaring is being selfish. Replace your thoughts with more realistic ones that help you internalize the fact that you cant be fully responsible for someone elses happiness and that worrying wont change this. My parents moved down the street from me 15 years ago. You're Not Responsible for Other People's Feelings - IntrovertDear.com Im not talking about bottled water either, just the water that flows through the pipes into your house or apartment. Then ask yourself: Was I really responsible for what happened? Is it really my fault that he didnt ask me out again? Can I really control her drinking? Remind yourself that you can only really control your own behavior. Talking to your wife will, in my opinion, benefit both of you as you work through this. consistent on your spiritual path. I know these are my feelings and I should of not let the guilt get to me. If you would like to soften (or change) this core belief, share this article with your loved one, so you have a common language and understanding, and set a time to have a mindful, calm talk. T = Take charge and make the decision to change. Research shows that when you make the conscious decision to change, you are more likely to be successful. As a consequence I tend to focus on them and what they need. How to stop the misery: Replace negative self-talk with realistic and positive self-talk. You might also like to check out my Living with Ease courseor visit mySelf-Care Shop.

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